One of the greatest things about getting older is knowing yourself more. Once you have discovered 1. what you really love to do, 2. realized you have the power to create the life you have dreamed of and 3. have chosen to make a leap of faith, you are ready to manifest transformation in your life. Georgia O’Keefe once said, “I’ve been absolutely terrified every moment of my life — and I’ve never let it keep me from doing a single thing I wanted to do.” Experiencing and acknowledging fear is one of the most important steps we can take in our lives. Once we have stared these hairy monsters of doubt and confusion in the eyes, we can move on and release them. Once fear has been released we have all the possibilities and potential of the Universe in front of us. Anything we want is attainable and a life founded on passion, desire and love begins.

You Deserve The Best

Once I let go of the attitudes and beliefs that held me captive I learned to accept blessings from the Universe. Many times the god/goddess/creator/Grand Pubbah offers us gifts and we do not allow ourselves to take them. I have learned we all loved and there is an infinite amount of it. Each of us can simply allow the stream of unending love provide us with the divine support and inspiration that is available every moment for eternity.

“I offer you a basket of stars to encourage you to create your highest vision and follow your bliss wherever it leads.”-D.E.

This is a message from our higher selves, our guardian angels, the Cosmic Cookie. Who in their right mind says no to infinite encouragement and joy when it is offered? Only people who are obviously not in their right mind! There must be millions of crazy people out there since many of us make the choice to reject joy and love. Instead we accept negative attitudes and low self-esteem. Acceptance is one of our greatest hurdles in understanding our lives are meant to be bliss! We must accept this as truth, we deserve to be loved, to live full of joy, to do what we love every day. If we believe this to be true in our hearts and minds it will occur.

This is a Public service Announcement: HaHaHaHaHaHaaaaaaaaa!

Actress Katharine Hepburn once said, “I never lose sight of the fact that just being is fun.” The last and most important secret to doing what you love is to have fun, enjoy yourself, and laugh every day as much as possible. Have the courage to laugh at yourself. If you know you are loved and divinely supported then there is nothing to be embarrassed about. Doing what you love every day is not about living a perfect life or being a perfect person. I have come to see the hilarious nature of humanity as the key to our enlightenment. When I am able to laugh at my flaws and mistakes I have succeeded and I am living the mystery, the beauty of human potential. The process of changing my life and doing what I love, following my passion, is a wild ride. And some days when I stop for a moment I realize my hair is sticking up from going so fast and my butt hurts from riding for so long, but it is worth it for the rush, the thrill I feel. Take your own ride! Free yourself and let potential and love lead you.

To see more inspirational and creative work please visit my web site at http://www.greatcosmichappyass.com

Diane English is the artist-visionary-mastermind-crazy woman behind the Great Cosmic Happy Ass Greeting Card Company. She believes the expression of humor is a direct path to longevity and in the power of the Universe’s unconditional love. For a good dose of laughter and inspiration visit http://www.greatcosmichappyass.com

Copyright 2007 by MyLastingLove.com. All Rights Reserved.

As I sit quietly, watching the sun sink behind the Blue Ridge Mountains, wrapped in
the warm spring air of North Carolina I take a moment to celebrate the changes in
my life. Change has brought joy, doubt, growth, passion and confusion to me
during the last few years, but I wouldn’t trade the opportunity to do what I love for
anything. The Buddha said “Your work is to discover your world and then with all
your heart give yourself to it.” My world is made of laughter, creativity and being
who I really am and believe me, I give everything I have to it. Each of us has the
chance to live the life we have always wanted, regardless of age, gender, color or
size; we just have to take it.

How I Discovered What I Truly Loved

For years I did what people do in the early years. I wandered, wondered and tried a
variety of career choices and jobs. Medical technician, graphic artist, metaphysical
bookstore owner-I was successful at all of these endeavors, but deep inside, hidden
from sight was what I loved most. The part of me that had been creating art since
childhood was buried beneath fear, misunderstanding and logic. While I managed
my existing business I read a book called The Artist’s Way, which unlocked a part of
me I had not known before. I began to focus on what I loved most in every spare
moment. The ideas exploded and the response from those around me was
encouraging and supportive. I saw change coming and decided I would take the
leap, I would trust and I would create the world I wanted to live in.

All The Power Lies Within You

When it came time to take action it was as if my guardian angel bopped me over the
head with a neon sign that said “This Way” and my vision suddenly became clear.
Everything we need to know is inside us. Our life experiences lead us to the present
situation and using what we’ve learned along the way is an important step. In my
14 years as a business owner I encountered many spiritual people and I noticed a
repetitive pattern humans can’t seem to stop: we take ourselves too seriously! You
know the attitude! I’m going to heaven and you’re not! My prayers have to be more
solemn than yours! The UFO’s are coming, run for your lives! Please! Lighten Up!
Like lightening, I suddenly knew what I wanted to do and I knew my whole life had
brought me to this place. So my new career was born and I dedicated myself to
spreading this message: laugh, create, follow your heart and be who you are
courageously! Unlock your own power and as Rumi stated, “Let the beauty of what
you love, be what you do.”

“You and I are essentially infinite choice-makers. In every moment of our
existence, we are in that field of all possibilities where we have access to an infinity
of choices.”–Deepak Chopra

Change happens a lot more easily when you believe in your ability to be a “choice-
maker”. I continue to see myself as a “choice-maker”. I choose to create, to laugh,
to believe in myself, to trust. Leap and the net will appear! Doing what I love has
transformed my world and filled it with things I had only dreamed and imagined
before.

Diane English is the artist-visionary-mastermind-crazy woman behind the Great
Cosmic Happy Ass Greeting Card Company. She believes the expression of humor is a
direct path to longevity and in the power of the Universe’s unconditional love. For a
good dose of laughter and inspiration visit http://www.greatcosmichappyass.com.

Copyright 2007 by MyLastingLove.com. All Rights Reserved.

The out-of-pocket cost of marriage counseling can be greatly reduced when the marital strain is affecting one or both of the partners and increasing symptoms like anxiety or depression. If the couple chooses a licensed mental health provider they may be able to use their health insurance benefits for covered family therapy sessions in order to alleviate their symptoms. In such cases insurance may cover a large portion of the costs. However, no insurance company will cover therapy just to improve a marriage. Some private information, at least a diagnosis of a mental disorder, will have to be documented and released to the insurance company.

Many times the marriage may not lack love or commitment but the partners may need relationship skills such as assertiveness, emotional regulation, and communication skills. A good marriage counselor will help the couple focus on the process of improving the relationship, increasing intimacy, and resolving conflict, as well as teaching skills. Many couples are not able to do this without a neutral person guiding them. It also takes an investment of time and effort to change habits.

So what is the return of investment on a thousand dollars or several thousand dollars spent on marital counseling?

The success of marriage counseling is not guaranteed. Therefore it is an investment that has a certain amount of risk.
It is possible that both partners will leave the counseling sessions feeling it was a complete loss of time and money. However, that risk may be smaller than you would think. A recent study published in the Journal of Marriage and Family (Volume 22, Number 1) reported surprisingly high rates of satisfaction in a survey of clients from 526 marriage and family counselors in 15 different states. More than 90% of the respondents rated the services as good or excellent, said they got the help they desired, said they were satisfied with the amount of help they received, said they were helped in dealing more effectively with problems, and said they were generally satisfied with the help they received.

The potential monetary return on investment of successful marriage counseling could be enormous. Think about these few obvious potential sources of monetary return:
·The cost savings of legal fees for divorce and child custody proceedings.
·The cost savings of maintaining one household instead of two.
·The cost savings of more secure children and avoiding the tendency of parents to try to buy children things out of guilt.
·The cost savings of transportation due to shared parenting in two households.
·The cost savings from not losing work time for divorce/custody activities.
·The cost savings from avoiding a second (or third) wedding. Not to mention dating and honeymoon expenses.
·The health care cost savings. Research has shown that strong marriages are a big factor in health and longevity.

But the cost savings are minor compared to the potential benefits compared to other things our money could be spent on. What is the potential return of investment on a good marriage?

Even if marriage counseling may cost more than a thousand dollars, how many things have more potential for increasing our quality of life and happiness than a good, secure intimate relationship? Adults who would not question spending thousands of dollars for braces or for a good education should seriously think about what a good marriage would mean to themselves and their children in terms of health, happiness, and success in the future.

About the Author

by Susan Huebert
L.S.C.S.W. Susan has practiced counseling in Wichita KS for over 15 years. Visit her Marriage Counseling Wichita site to learn more about marriage counseling.

Article Source: Article North directory

Copyright 2007 by MyLastingLove.com. All Rights Reserved.

Do you find yourself wanting to make everyone happy, even if it means you are not? Have you hidden yourself in order to survive in your family? If you answered “yes” to the above, you are not alone. In my counseling practice, I have discovered numerous people pleasers, also known as adapters. After they overcame their issues and felt free to be their unique selves, I called them “Recovering People Pleasers.”

For example, Judy, a thirty-four year-old mother and wife, came to me because she was depressed. “I feel emotionally strangled by my husband,” she said in an angry tone.

Knowing that men and women often marry people like their mothers or fathers, I said, “Judy, go back to the time you felt that way. To her surprise, she regressed back to when she was two-years-old and her parents were yelling at her. She was crying and felt devastated. The decision she made from that experience was, “I have to please them or I will not be safe and loved.”

Then I asked Judy to go inside of her body and find the little girl that she locked up in order to survive in her family. She found little Judy in her heart, all curled up in a fetal position. I encouraged Judy to tell her little girl, “I am an adult now. It is safe to come out and be who you are. I love you. I will take care of you and protect you.” I guided Judy to imagine that she was taking little Judy to her home where she presently lived, to create a special room for the two-year-old, and then to say to the toddler, “This is your room from now on. We will walk life together hand in hand. It is safe to be who we are and we are loved.”

Judy took a deep breath of relief and felt much lighter and happier. She then realized that she chose a man who would fit her belief. I encouraged Judy to express to her husband in a loving way how she felt and what she wanted. I also recommended that she practice win-win problem solving so that they both felt empowered.

Can you relate to Judy’s story? Are you ready to be who you are and express your truth in a positive, loving way? When you don’t, you resent the people around you whom you allow to control you. In a sense, you become a puppet and give them the power to pull your strings. Then you are likely to be passive aggressive and get back at them in deceptive ways.

For example, you may make excuses to avoid being physically intimate, get sick, arrive late, be sarcastic, burn their dinner, or avoid spending time with them. Those negative behaviors are hurtful to them, you, and the relationship. This includes all forms of relationships, including lovers, children, parents, bosses, and friends.

I encourage you to resolve your fears of being who you are so that you can be happy, healthy, and loved. Then you can also be a Recovering People Pleaser.

Copyright 2007 by MyLastingLove.com. All Rights Reserved.

Are you feeling frustrated with your relationships? Do you want a loving partner and seem to be unsuccessful in reaching your goal?

If you answered “yes” to either question, you may be sabotaging your efforts. As a Marriage, Family Therapist, I helped many clients, through a process I developed called HART (Holistic And Rapid Transformation), get in touch with their negative, self-defeating thoughts and change them to positive ones. Since beliefs are magnetic, they were then able to attract what they wanted.

The following are 20 unconscious reasons why you may be pushing away the relationship you desire and deserve, an example, and a positive thought to turn the negative belief into a positive one. If you recognize a negative thought is one of yours, then first imagine that you are deleting (erasing) it from your mind, and then say and write the positive thought. Keep repeating the affirmation until it becomes part of your automatic thinking.

1) I will get hurt if I am vulnerable. (Her first boyfriend broke off with her in high school.)

I am being vulnerable and I am safe because I believe that I am okay and lovable no matter what anyone says or does.

2) Men don’t like intelligent, successful women. (Her boyfriend rejected her when she was hired in a big company.)

I am attracting men who like intelligent, successful women.

3) I don’t deserve a loving relationship. (Her Dad left when she was five-years-old and she felt responsible.)

I am only responsible for myself, I am a good person, and I deserve a loving relationship.

4) Relationships do not fit my self-image. (She saw herself as unlovable because her dad never said he loved her or hugged her.)

I am lovable.

5) I can’t be me and be in a relationship. (Her mother told her that she gave up her dreams to be with her father.)

I am in a loving relationship and I am being me.

6) Men don’t like me when they get to know me. (She did not like herself and she projected that feeling on others.)

I like myself and men like me.

7) My friends will be jealous. (When she was a teen-ager, her friends rejected her when she became popular.)

I am in a loving relationship and my (true) friends are happy for me.

Relationships don’t last. (Her parents were divorced.)

I am in a lasting relationship.

9) Men try to control me. (Her brother and father were controlling.)

I am attracting a loving partner who supports me being me.

10) I am not good enough. (No matter what she did to please her mother, it was never enough.)

I am good enough.

11) Men are mean and abusive. (Her father was mean and physically and verbally abusive.)

I am attracting kind, loving men to me.

12) My mother will be jealous of me. (I am afraid that my mother will feel badly if I am happier than she is (or was).)

I am in a loving relationship and my mother is happy.

13) I am unattractive. (Her mother would often criticize her looks.)

I am attractive.

14) I am unimportant. (Her Dad was usually working and he spent very little time with her.)

I am important.

15) Men only want me for my body. (She is very attractive and men seemed to focus on her body.)

I am attracting a man who wants to be with me because he likes and loves who I am.

16) I can’t trust men. (Her father had affairs.)

I am attracting a partner I can trust.

17) I feel guilty for leaving my last partner. (She felt she did not deserve a loving relationship.)

I am a good person and I deserve a loving relationship.

18) There is no one out there for me. (She was attracting men that were not suitable for her.)

I am attracting my perfect partner at the perfect time.

19) I am afraid that I will have affairs. (She cheated on her first boyfriend.)

I trust myself to be loyal to my partner.

20) Men want me to be weak and submissive. (Her mother told her that she had to make men feel superior and let them win in sports.)

I am attracting a loving partner who wants me to be his equal.

If you related to any of the negative thoughts, cleared them, and said the positive thought, you probably feel better about relationships and yourself. If you still are not attracting what you want, then write down the following: “I can’t or won’t be in a loving relationship because____ (and finish the sentence).” Then do the same process as above. You do deserve a loving, healthy relationship. Go for it!

About the Author

Copyright 2007 by Helene Rothschild, MS, MA, MFT, a Marriage, Family Therapist, intuitive counselor, speaker, and author. Her newest book is, “ALL YOU NEED IS HART!”. She offers phone sessions, teleclasses, books, e-books, MP3 audios, tapes, posters, independent studies, and a free newsletter. http://www.lovetopeace.com , 1-888-639-6390.

Copyright 2007 by MyLastingLove.com. All Rights Reserved.

What are the reasons for marriage failures? First and foremost, a couple should understand the reasons for their marriage failures and relentlessly, try to save their marriage. There are several reasons that can cause marriages to fail often leading to separations and divorce. Reasons behind a marriage failure are likely having a misunderstanding where lack of communication from couples are experienced, arguments due to money matters, infidelity and reasons whether the marriage at the beginning was a failure.

In order to save a marriage, the couples must be willing to undergo some changes in the way their marriage is viewed. Effort, patience, and understanding are necessary to make a marriage work. The following factors can help marriage failures save marriage by adding efforts by renewing the relationship between both partners.

Mutual interests are important for married couples where couples need to have intimate moments together to share and learn about mutual interests of their partners, where differences can arise that through understanding can ensure respect and a stronger relationship for marriage couples.

Unpredictable schedules can also cause marriage failures, whereas both partners lack time for one another. Togetherness, after marriage, is very important most especially in time spent together, where passion and intimacy is practiced. But without the proper time given to their partners, they tend to loss interest and begin to disregard one another.

Communication is a very important matter in a marriage. Lack of communications means also lack of understanding, whereas couples tend to quarrel without considering any feelings for their partners, therefore, a continuance of their misunderstandings are left unresolved.

Criticism in a gentle-like manner is likely to save a marriage. Couples often make gestures offensively without their knowing, resulting for the partner to make criticisms that can lead to arguing. As much as possible, offensive criticism should be avoided in marriages, whereas gentle criticism can make the relationship in a marriage stronger.

Another factor is children, and having children in a marriage relationship are wonderful yet it can also cause marriage failure. Because as children, they tend to give problems that can arise in differences with the couples due to possible different disciplining tactics for their children.

Gifts are beautiful ways to give to a spouse as a sign of their love and with gift-giving, a spouse can woo their partner and even warm the heart of the spouse helpful to saving a marriage.

Saving a marriage is very typical for those couples that still have love in their hearts. As said, romance should always be alive in a marital relationship because if there is love, marriage becomes stronger and longer for the couples. With just a little effort from both partners can liven up the relationship in the marriage and make marriage worthwhile for couples on the verge of a break up.

Most partners have disputes about sex and money, but having terms of endearment allows both partners to remember the main reasons why they got married. As such, renewal of vows is also advisable for saving a marriage because vows tend to challenge couples to reach their goals in having a perfect marriage.

Marriage can be perfect especially for couples in love but having a perfect marriage needs effort from both partners. Marital problems can result in divorce and separation, however, with the right tips for saving marriage, couples will be able to cope and solve their marital problems.

About the Author

By Hector Milla, editor of http://www.mygoodmarriage.com/ :: tips on saving a good marriage ::

Article Source: Article North directory

Copyright 2007 by MyLastingLove.com. All Rights Reserved.

You might feel that “something is wrong” or something hurts or doesn’t feel right, but you can’t exactly put your finger on it.

It can frequently be helpful to have something like a “danger signs” chart:

1. You actually have started to dread coming home to your partner
2. You cringe when they talk to you because you predict it’s always going to turn out painfully
3. There are so few things you can happily talk about by now that they could all fit in a thimble
4. The things you used to find appealing or charming about your spouse you now find irritating or even worse (even disgusting)
5. The things you used to do together that you thought were fun you either don’t even do anymore or they really aren’t fun anymore — maybe it even hurts to do those things again
6. You feel your spouse doesn’t even really like you anymore, or maybe even hates you
7. You are tempted to cheat, divorce, lie or misbehave in ways that you don’t feel proud of and you just feel devastated it’s come to this
8. You look at your spouse almost as an opponent or even an enemy when it comes to parenting, sex, finances or other important decisions.
9. You criticize or even humiliate your spouse (or they do to you) in public, with friends or at parties or get-togethers.
10. You develop a cynical, pessimistic attitude about whether anyone has a great marriage or if there is even such a thing or if other people have them; and look around you and see bad marriages (you have a filter against seeing the great ones)
11. You just have an empty dark, hollow feeling inside, not anything in particular, that your marriage is not what you expected in life; you are deep down, disappointed in marriage
12. What you hoped for, prayed for and dreamed about being married and being with your soulmate seems to have completely died.

How Many Of These Danger Signs Did You Check Off? 3 or more?

If you have discovered you can identify at least three of these “danger signs,” your marriage either is or soon will be in serious trouble!

How do I know that? Because these are the things that people try to “blow off” and manage without addressing them… and that end up creating far more serious problems because of their cumulative power.

Remember, a whole mountain is eroded over time by wind and a trickle of water. Deep canyons are formed over the years by a continuous erosion. Your marriage has the same possibility of erosion if you don’t address the core issues.

If So, I highly recommend that you get to work on your marriage!

About the Author

By Max Vogt.
“The Fastest, Easiest Way To Turn Your Marriage Into The One You Always Wished You Had — In Ten Days or Less!” Best Marriage Advice : http://www.TenDaysToaGoodMarriage.com

Article Source: Article North directory

Now, we see or hear about celebrities who marry for 18 hours and couples that get hitched only to get legal status in one country or another.

Marriage is not a word that should be taken lightly, yet it is on a daily basis. But what do you do when your marriage is starting to fall apart, when everything you want is slowly slipping away?

You rescue it.

1) Rescuing the Relationship

To save your relationship, you must first figure out what is causing it to fall apart. Do you and your spouse talk about things, or are you too busy working and raising your family to discuss what’s going on?

Have you gone on a date in the last six months? Do you fight and argue all the time, or has one of you cheated on the other?

What is causing the relationship to break down? Let’s face it; you don’t just wake up one morning and say, “I think I’d like a divorce today.”

In order to figure out what’s going (or gone) wrong in your relationship, you need to take a step back from your feelings to observe what is going on.

If you fight frequently, write down the things you fight about. Write down the amount of time you’ve spent together in the last few days, and write down what you were doing when you weren’t spending time together.

You will want to get everything straight in your head before you start to talk to your spouse about your problems and what you think might be damaging your relationship.

2) Talking – It Is Not Overrated

After you have gathered your information, approach your spouse. Make sure you go into the discussion calmly and rationally. You also want to make sure that you’re not accosting or accusing, but rather asking and questioning.

If you go into the talk too aggressively, you are going to turn them off and nothing will get answered or resolved. Make sure you lay everything out on the table, from the things that are bothering you to the things that you wish you did more of together.

Explain that you want to know how your spouse is feeling, and that you care about where they want the relationship to go.

3) Scheduling

If you have a busy schedule, you may want to make an appointment to have this discussion. Actually, making a schedule for the two of you on a weekly basis is an excellent idea.

All parents know that children thrive on routine, which is why they have a time to wake up, a time to eat, and a time to go to bed. Relationships thrive on a somewhat of a timed schedule, as well.

For instance, I have a friend whose husband and herself spend every Saturday night together. They have young children, so most of the time they stay in instead of going out. They will rent a movie and either get take-out or some quick meal they can throw together once the kids have gone to bed.

They would leave the lights on in the living room long enough to eat their meal, and then, once that’s done, they put the dishes in the sink (they will still be there the next day, so there’s no reason to spoil the mood by doing them), turn the lights off and snuggle together to watch the rest of the movie.

They don’t talk about anything except the movie, and make sure that they are touching each other as much as we can.

It is not “un-romantic” to schedule time to be with your spouse. Make sure that you get some time together, whether it’s going out together, or staying in watching a movie. Sometimes you can pull out a board game, add some alcohol, and have a great night being silly together.

As you get along in your relationship, you come to take each other for granted. Spending fun, relaxing time together is one great way to get your relationship back on track.

If you’re thinking about filing for divorce because you can’t stand the fighting anymore, stop. Think about why you are fighting, and try to put yourself in your partner’s shoes.

When you love each other and put a little work into it, marriages really can last forever.

About the Author

As a Marriage, Family Therapist, I have learned how guilt feelings can cause numerous problems. This negative emotion hurt the men, women, and children in many areas of their lives. Through the HART (Holistic And Rapid Transformation) process I developed, I was able to assist them to uncover their unconscious guilt feelings and resolve their issues. Then they allowed themselves to be happy, healthy, and successful.

Basically, guilt feelings imply that you are a bad person and you do not deserve whatever you desire. The following are specific ways this negative emotion can affect you and examples.

Guilt can cause ….

1) Low self-esteem. When Paul was a child, his parents had many arguments and he was often spanked. We discovered in his therapeutic sessions that he had unconsciously decided that he was responsible for their anger and pain. Therefore, he must be a bad person. The negative decision hurt Paul’s self-esteem. He did not feel he deserved his wife’s love and caring, and he unconsciously pushed her away. Paul felt terrible and so did his wife.

2) Accidents. Tonya, a 21-year-old pretty blonde, discovered that she was in a serious car accident because she felt guilty for having so much when her friends and family had so little. The incident left her with a scar on her forehead.

3) Disease. Mary realized that her physical problems started when she felt guilty for not being there for her mother when she was sick and died. Once she was able to forgive herself, her health improved dramatically.

4) Financial problems. Gary had a very successful business until his son died of an overdose of drugs. He learned in a therapy session that he felt guilty for his son’s death, because he was too busy to spend time with him.

5) Overweight problems. When Sandy was exploring the emotional causes of her weight issues in our therapy sessions, she said, “I am a bad person, because I hurt my sister. I don’t deserve to be slim.”

6) Relationship problems. John felt guilty for leaving his wife and children. He discovered in his therapy session that because he felt bad he was not allowing himself to commit to his girlfriend. Therefore, he was blocking his love and hurting himself and the woman he was involved with.

7) Academic problems. Stan was extremely intelligent but refused to go to college. He realized that when he was beaten as a child, he decided that he was bad and did not deserve to succeed.

Do you relate to any of the above issues? If you do, I suggest that you release your guilt in the following way:

1) Say or write, “I feel guilty because ___” and finish the sentence.

2) Then say or write, “I should (or should not) ____ (insert an action, thought, or feeling) or I am a bad person.”

3) Continue with the words, “I resent (the other side of guilt) ___” (insert an action, thought, or feeling).

4) Finally, say or write, “I am ____ (insert an action, thought or feeling) and I am a good person.”

Example:

1) I feel guilty because I do not call my mother every week.

2) I should call my mother every week or I am a bad person.

3) I resent having to call my mother every week.

4) I am only calling my mother when I want to and I am a good person.

Now that you are more conscious of guilt feelings, and you have learned how to resolve them, you can enjoy your life more and be safer and healthier. You deserve it all. Go for it!

Images Of The Family

We have strong images of how parents, siblings or children “should” behave. We feel we have the right to demand love and attention from those in the family. Parents have strong feelings that they have the right to loyalty and obedience, just because of their roles, (no matter how they treat their children). Children often feel the same. There is a common craving for a “happy family”, where everyone loves and cares for each other, and where everyone accepts all of each other’s difficulties. Unfortunately, this craving is often unfulfilled. For the most part the myth of a happy family is often a dream.

Families are often hotbeds of misunderstandings, resentment, sibling rivalry, jealousy, inappropriate expectations and demands and lack of acceptance. In fact, families are really fine places to work through a great deal of issues and learn how to individuate, grow, love and accept both others and ourselves.

Although many of us blame our parents for all that has gone wrong, the fact is that the parent is not the real culprit. It is the smoldering anger that is being held onto that causes the pain. It is the inability to get over disappointment about not having the parent of our dreams. This anger and disappointment can prevent us from growing up and establishing the life that best expresses our values and vision today.

Identity And The Family

A major factor that contributes to anger in families is the tendency each member has to identify with the other. Parents feel that children are a reflection of them. Parents also project their worst fears about themselves onto their children, or want their children to make up for errors and disappointments in their own lives. This is a huge mistake, which leads to a great deal of pain. It is interesting to notice how little room there is for differences in most families. Most think that a perfect family is one in which everyone is the same.

Individuation – (Becoming Who You Are)

The most vital process that goes on in the family is the process of individuation. This means that as a child grows they are given the opportunity to discover who they are, to be separate and different from those they love. Some experience differences between themselves and family members as separation, or even rejection.

They do not realize that unless family members become who they are, they will not be able to grow and love. Instead, anger develops, deep resentment and pain. The greatest longing most family members have is being known, heard and accepted for who they are. Ultimately, this is experienced as love.

Unfulfilled Needs In The Family

After a certain point of maturity family members enter the larger world and become part of other groups. These new groups are often experienced as new families. Needless to say these individuals automatically and unconsciously begin to repeat the same patterns they experienced in the family they came from. If there were many unfulfilled needs in their original family, they try to get these filled now.

If there were many demands made upon them, they expect that to be true once again and begin resisting demands made upon them in their new groups. (Or, they may turn it around and make those demands upon others now).When they enter a romantic relationship, often it becomes a repeat of the relationship they saw between their parents, or a relationship in opposition to it. One way or the other, the original family remains the main reference point.

Conflicts, demands, unfulfilled needs must fundamentally be traced back to its origin in the family and resolved there. Sooner or later we must make peace with our family, as it was and as it wasn’t. Then we become able to create something healing and new.

Families Of Choice

When we have come to peace with our family, we are then able to “choose” those individuals and relationships, which we value and want in our lives. Although we cannot choose our original family, we can choose friends in our lives and choose to create a significant relationship that reflects who we are and what we’ve always wanted. We can create a new family now that fulfills our dreams and desires. This does not mean rejecting our original family, but learning from it, still giving to it, but, at the same time, going forward to create our lives as we wish them to be.